


Folie du Doute

by headasexual, i_am_not



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Adultery, Alternate Canon, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Different First Meeting, Angst, Closeted Alec Lightwood, Eventual Happy Ending, F/M, Gen, M/M, Marriage of Convenience, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Slow Burn, we mean it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-06
Updated: 2021-03-06
Packaged: 2021-03-17 13:27:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,345
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29842191
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/headasexual/pseuds/headasexual, https://archiveofourown.org/users/i_am_not/pseuds/i_am_not
Summary: Alec Lightwood's life was exactly as any parent might dream of for their child: he had the job he had always wanted, he had a beautiful wife, and his future was perfectly laid out for him to succeed. Things had played out exactly how they should have. But what if this picture-perfect life just wasn't for him? What if he meets just the person who would make him bend and break the rules he had set out for himself?"Who are you?"
Relationships: Alec Lightwood & Isabelle Lightwood & Jace Wayland, Lydia Branwell & Alec Lightwood, Lydia Branwell/Alec Lightwood, Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 7
Kudos: 21





	Folie du Doute

**Author's Note:**

> We are really excited to present this fic! This chapter was literally a month in the making, from scheduling conflicts to collaborating from different timezones to literal sweat and tears. This was a labor of love.  
> We really hope you enjoy reading it!

Alec slumped against the wall, feeling every ounce of the warm drink weighing his hand down. In this corner of the large, brightly lit hall, he could be assured of a few stolen moments of silence. A precious few seconds of reprieve where he didn't have to force a smile or make small talk—or be on the receiving end of the seemingly endless stream of unsolicited marital advice from the elders. 

He looked at his drink in mild annoyance. It was already half-empty, which meant he'd have to leave his spot for a refill, that is if he hoped to get through this _insufferable_ party and the night. 

Alec's eyes drifted down to the bracelet that sat heavily on his left hand, just above the freshly drawn rune. It wound around his wrist in an intricate intertwining of silver and copper strands, but to Alec, the cold weight of it seemed suddenly oppressive. He brushed his fingers along it, almost marveling at what it represented. It amazed him to think that something so slight, so innocuous, could be invested with so much authority: that it should so change his prospects as to make him immediately desirable to the Clave as a leader and melt away all of the previous doubts and apprehensions. That the essence of his transformation should be inherent in a set of runes and a single piece of jewelry—all of this spoke more to the delirium of the world than to Alec's own less than noble motivations. He clenched his jaw and swallowed down another gulp from his glass, trying to numb the uncomfortable throb in his chest.

Alec lifted his eyes and watched where his mother stood with his father, conversing animatedly with the Branwells, oblivious to the storm raging inside him. Alec hadn't seen her laugh so openly in a long time. She held onto his father with both her arms looped around his. _Probably the drinks, then_ , he thought. Regardless, it did somewhat help assuage the deep, unsettled feeling rising in the pit of his stomach.

He took in a deep breath and stepped out of the shadows.

— 

Lydia found him when he had refilled his glass and was about to slip into an empty corner he had spotted.

"You okay?" she asked, appearing at his side, voice soft with concern. 

"Yeah." Alec lied, still looking at their parents. 

She followed his gaze, and he heard her sigh. Alec could feel her roll her eyes in their direction. "Don't worry about them," she said. "We've got this." And despite himself, Alec felt the corners of his mouth quirk up.

He turned to look at Lydia, and an errant sense of anxiety twisted his heart. Her face was lit with a conspiratorial smile that Alec only returned half-heartedly. Her eyes shone with a ridiculous optimism that he couldn't fathom. He really did like Lydia. She had a steady head on her shoulders and could be trusted to be responsible and decisive. She had proven as much on the few missions they headed together. Most of all, she had a strong sense of justice, which Alec admired very much. It was _why_ he chose her. That she had, very quickly, become a true friend to him was merely an added advantage.

Alec, who could never be faulted for not trying his best, gave her a wan half-smile. And for all her usual perceptiveness, if Lydia noticed how conflicted Alec had been in the days leading up to the wedding, she hadn't said as much. As hard as he had tried, Alec felt that he couldn't completely shake off everything his siblings had said in the weeks since he proposed to her. Now, looking at Lydia's frank expression, he felt his anxiety compound, and he did his best to not let it show on his face. 

More wine clearly wasn't helping, Alec's cheeks felt overly warm and flushed, he was already on his fourth glass, and now the room had begun to feel too hot. When Lydia affectionately brushed her hand against his side, it was too much to handle. He stepped away from her and shrugged off his suit jacket, hoping for a little relief.

"Yeah," he said, downing his refill in one quick gulp and pointedly ignoring the way Lydia raised her eyebrows at him in surprise.

* * *

Alec took a seat in front of the desk in his parents' office. Behind the desk, Maryse Lightwood sat with her hands folded in front of her. He could tell by taking one look at her that she was going to deliver bad news, and he steeled himself to prepare for it.

"Alec," she said gently. "Your father and I both know how much running your own institute means to you. While I feel you're ready, and I told the Clave as much, they have their doubts. They're concerned about your lack of experience. You're still so young, and you've never lived outside of Idris. Considering the current situation with the Downworlders, they aren't sure you're ready to handle so much responsibility alone."

He tried not to betray his annoyance and disappointment. The last thing that would prove that he was ready to run anything was to throw a tantrum at being denied the chance at a promotion. While he had been prepared for his application to be turned down, he at least had hoped that the Clave would look past his age and look at his spotless record and his history of leadership as a sign that they should take a chance on him.

"I understand," he told her, making a move to leave when she continued speaking.

"They're hesitant, but they are willing to reconsider. On one condition."

He sat back down, eager to listen and ready to do whatever it took to fulfill his dream.

"Traditionally, institutes aren't run alone," she told him. "The number of duties required of the head of an institute is too much for just one person to bear." Here she gave Alec a meaningful look before continuing, "They need someone beside them to shoulder some of those burdens, someone that they can trust completely to pick up any slack and to keep them in check to run their institute at its very best."

"I have my parabatai," Alec rebutted. "Who else could I trust like that?"

She gave him a skeptical look and asked, "Do you honestly think that Jace wants to spend his days filling out mission requests and expense reports to the Clave?"

Alec knew immediately that the answer was a resolute _no_ , that Jace would hate it and resent Alec for putting him in that position. He felt his shoulders slump slightly.

"So, I can't run an institute then," he said resignedly. 

"No, Alec. You can't run it _alone_ ," she corrected in a firm voice. "They're willing to reconsider if you make a bond with someone."

He looked at her, confused for a moment before what she was saying dawned on him.

"You want me to get married."

"They just feel that couples are ideal for running things," she said. "They can balance each other out, lend support to each other when needed, and eventually bring forth a new generation of Shadowhunters. Like your father and I did with you and your siblings."

She tried to give him a reassuring smile, but he felt anything but, his stomach twisted in a knot at the prospect. He wasn't marriage material, and he definitely was _not_ interested in chasing around girls, trying to find a wife. Couldn't they see that everything he did, everything he worked so hard for, was all for the benefit of his people and for the Clave?

"If you'd like," his mother began, breaking him out of his thoughts, "I can start looking around for you. I know running your own institute is the only thing you've ever wanted, and we have a clear way we can help you achieve that. We can do this, we can find you a girl with a good head on her shoulders and a good name to lend support to yours. I know it's not _ideal_ , but your father and I weren't a love match either, and look at where we are now. Just...consider it."

He left her office, mood darker than if she had just told him that they had turned down his application. At least if they hadn't given him the ultimatum, then he wouldn't have had any kind of false hope at getting his own institute at twenty-two.

But what sort of woman would agree to marry Alec Lightwood?

* * *

Lydia surveyed her surroundings with polite interest. A small window overlooked the old city below and behind it, the sparkling blue sea in the distance, but the office itself was dimly lit—requiring for the lights to be kept on even during the day. She let out an audible sigh and set her belongings down on the oaken desk with a thump of protest. 

The Clave would like to believe that they were very progressive, letting her work deep within the Alicante Institute, but she knew better. In effect, she was little more than a secretary and her lifelong dream of eventually becoming High Inquisitor that much farther from her reach.

Coming back to Idris wasn't an easy decision, and Lydia hadn't planned on being back anytime soon from her rewarding, if not the most advantageous, post in Lisbon. However, news of her father's rapidly declining health had compelled her return, and she was home for the first time since John's death. Although the sharp sting of loss did not accompany her anymore in everything she did, Idris, she found, inspired a fond ache of memory alongside the irritation that the Clave saw her differently, following his death.

"Have you seen the new Clave rep?" Lydia heard someone say.

She had been in the filing closet in her new office, just out of sight of whoever was talking. She was used to it by now, people talking about her. She had never been much of a people person, always coming off as too aggressive or too abrasive, so whispers about her seemed to follow her wherever she went.

Lydia couldn't help that she had always had the drive and willingness to do what needed to be done. She just knew what she wanted, and she wasn't going to let anyone stand in the way of that. Whether or not she made friends didn't really matter to her. She had her career.

"I haven't met her yet," she heard someone respond. "She any good?"

"Supposed to be. All I know is she's got these nice, big…" she heard the first voice take a pause, then the _smack_ of flesh-on-flesh and an exclamation of 'Ow!'

"Have some respect," the second voice chastised. 

"Lighten up, Lightwood. I was only messing around."

_Lightwood. That must be Alec Lightwood._

While not many spoke to her directly outside of Clave business, Lydia overheard a lot. From what she had gathered, his mother had been in talks with a few of the older Shadowhunting families looking around for eligible women who might be interested in arranging a marriage. The Lightwoods were held in good esteem, so he was bound to make a nice match.

"Why don't you keep the 'messing around' to your own time?" she heard Alec say. "C'mon, I need to grab that file...it's not here."

Lydia cleared her throat from where she had been hidden to alert them to her presence and straightened herself up before coming out into the main office area. 

"Hello, gentlemen," she said as she went over to her desk and took a seat. "Mr. Herondale, I believe we've met."

Jace nodded and said, "Yes, when Imogen was giving you the tour. How're you liking it so far?"

"It's been wonderful. Everyone's been so welcoming," she lied.

"Good to hear!" Jace said a little too cheerfully. "I don't think you've met Alec yet?"

"Haven't had the pleasure," she said as she held out her hand to him, which Alec took readily. "Lydia Branwell."

"Alec Lightwood," he said before letting go of her hand. "You wouldn't happen to know where the case file on the attack near the border of Brocelind is, would you?"

"I think I do," she said as she reached into her desk and flipped through the papers there before finding the tab on it and handing it to him. "Here. I added a few notes on some details I noticed. It might be nothing, but I thought there were some things that might warrant another look."

Alec gave her a look of surprise, proceeding to open the file and thumb through it. Lydia took this opportunity to study Alec Lightwood. Not nearly so well known or as well-liked as his famous parabatai, but she had only heard good things about his work. She watched him frown at the document, hazel eyes unreadable as he scrutinized it. He paused for a moment on one of the pages, reading it. Then the tension in his face dissipated, and when he looked at her again, it was with an indecipherable gleam in his eyes.

"This hadn't even occurred to me. You might be onto something," he said. "If you're right, this could blow the whole case wide open." Alec gave her a genuine smile, "Thank you."

She felt a swell of pride in her chest. It had been a while since the last time she'd gotten that kind of recognition from a peer. Although she got along fine on her own and she didn't _need_ anyone else's approval, she couldn't help but enjoy being seen. _This is nice. He is actually being nice to me._

"It's only a hunch, Mr. Lightwood. And looking over the cases that cross my desk is just one of my duties here," she said.

"Alec," he said. "Call me Alec."

* * *

"Alec, you can't get married."

Alec stopped mid-swing at the punching bag, turning to look as his little sister stormed up to him. He took a panting breath before using the back of his arm to wipe away at the sweat dripping down into his eyes. She crossed her arms, and he readied himself for the argument he knew was going to happen the moment the news about his engagement got out.

" _Can't_?" he parroted. "I think you'll find I'm perfectly capable—"

"Alec," Isabelle interrupted. "This isn't what you want. You'll find another way, a better way. You can't do this just because it's what Mom and Dad want."

"Right." Alec scoffed, "Like you ended things with Meliorn because you're such a _rebel_."

"That's unfair. You know that was different." Isabelle narrowed her eyes," _This_ is different. It's marriage, a lifelong commitment!"

He gritted his teeth, intent on ignoring her, as he turned his back to her and went back to the bag, swinging harder than he had before. He focused on his form as he put as much force as possible behind his punches.

"We both know that you'd be making a mistake," she insisted as she circled around to face him. "You're not going to marry some Blackthorn or Morgenstern girl. That's what they want. Not you."

"You're right. I'm not going to marry a Blackthorn or a Morgenstern," he told her. "I'm marrying a Branwell."

"Branwell?" she said with a sneer. "Why the hell would they arrange a marriage with a Branwell?"

"They didn't," he said as he dropped his arms to his sides. "I asked Lydia Branwell to marry me. She said 'yes'."

"What!" she exclaimed. "Alec, don't you see what you're doing?"

"I'm trying to train," he said as he waved his hand at the punching bag. "I need to be on top form if they're actually going to reconsider my application."

She gave him an incredulous look and said, "You're using her."

"We're using each other," he stated firmly. "Lydia's smart and ambitious, but she's not naive. She and I both know what this will do for our careers."

"Careers!" she cried in exasperation. "Promotions! Ambition! What about love? Can you honestly look me in the eye and tell me that you love her?"

"Lydia's tried marrying for love before," he told her as he pushed past her to grab a towel to wipe himself down since she clearly was intent on continuing the conversation. "If you couldn't guess from the fact that I'm engaged to her, it didn't exactly end well. Besides, it's not like our parents married for love."

She raised her brows and said, " _Oh_ because Mom and Dad are the model couple? That's why they can't stand to be in the same room together, right?"

"What are you talking about?" he asked.

She shook her head and said, "Nevermind, doesn't matter. Alec, if you go through with this, you'll regret it. Neither of you will be happy, you have to know that."

Alec pursed his lips, feeling the anger boiling up inside his chest. He let out his breath in a huff and said, "You don't know anything. This is what we both want. You can either accept that...or you don't have to come to my wedding." 

* * *

Alec strode up to her when she was leaving the conference room. He waved the file from the case they'd recently closed together, and successfully. "I can't thank you enough for looking over this with me. Sorry if I got a little intense the other day." He grimaced, eyes sparkling.

"No worries. I fully stand by the need to do a thorough job," she smiled back.

"Let me at least buy you lunch," Alec offered.

Lydia found herself saying yes before she could even think about it. Dissatisfied with the menu at the Institute, they opted to go to a little beachfront restaurant Lydia was familiar with. She told herself it couldn't really count as a date. He was only taking her to lunch to thank her.

You're too good to just be stuck in that office all day," Alec told Lydia over his plate of _pisto_. "Why did they assign you here?"

"Well, they said it was a _promotion_ ," she began, rolling her eyes over the rim of her glass. "I think it was more that they wanted me to leave my old position."

"Why?" he asked with a confused smile. "Were you solving too many problems?"

"Uh," she said, trying to smile through her discomfort over the topic. "I think that they wanted a married woman working there. Not a widow."

She saw Alec stiffen. 

"After John died, it was hard," she explained. "I loved him, a lot. That's why I married him. And we were inseparable. When he died on a mission, I think it made everyone else uncomfortable, me still being around when he was gone. So they put me here in this office." She gave a mirthless chuckle, "Probably easier to forget if they don't have to see me all the time."

"I'm sorry," Alec said reflexively.

"It's fine," she said. "You learn to live with it."

Alec rubbed his lip anxiously and asked, "Would you ever do it again?"

She thought for a moment, eyes straying to waves crashing on the sand behind Alec. Alec waited in polite silence, framed by the sights and sounds of the sea. She smiled, "Yeah. Yeah, I would. Being with John, running the Institute, the future we were building together...it was all I ever wanted. Even if I had to go through it knowing I'd only have such a short time with him..." Lydia paused, trying to keep her tone level. "I would do it all over again in a heartbeat." 

* * *

They were on their way back, still coming down from the rush of their recently deactivated runes when Alec spoke up after a while. "Would you like to get coffee with me?" 

Lydia looked at him with unconcealed surprise. 

"Or I could ask Izzy and Jace to come with," Alec quickly amended. "If that's what you want."

She was rarely asked out, if ever, for anything casual. Yet, there Alec was, asking her to spend time with his closest friends and family. _Hold on, was this a come-on?_ It wasn't easy to gauge. Alec was a notoriously difficult person for her to read even at her best.

"Sure," Lydia smiled. "I'd love some coffee." Whatever it was, she wasn't about to pass up an opportunity to make friends with people Alec loved and held in obvious high esteem.

It had been a minor mission, just her and Alec out to scope out some strange activity along the border of the Brocelind Plain. While it was Alec's name on file as the mission leader, the reality was that Lydia had planned the entire thing out. Truth be told, it was Alec's own idea—she suspected it was him still trying to thank her—and it was an opportunity Lydia accepted gratefully. Had the higher-ups at the Alicante Institute found out, in all likelihood, there wouldn't have been a mission for them to go on at all. Considering the last three times she had put in a request to take charge and been denied. But Alec had listened to her, had encouraged her reasoning, and her justifications behind what she thought, and he had believed she was onto something. Since it was just a short mission with plenty of time between there and Alicante, they fell into an easy back-and-forth between themselves which stemmed from the familiarity the two of them had grown accustomed to since their friendship had begun.

After a quick debrief of the intelligence, they had retrieved. She followed Alec outside the main entrance and into the front lawn adjoining the gardens. Alec was frowning at his phone when she caught up with him.

"Is everything okay?"

Alec didn't answer immediately, typing away furiously for a second. "What? Oh yes," he finally said, slipping his phone into his back pocket. "Ah, Izzy will be late. She's with Dad." Alec shrugged, "And Jace, I can't reach."

"Oh," Lydia responded. _Oh_. "We could go by ourselves. If you're still up for it?"

"Yes?" Alec smiled, seeming relieved, "sounds good."

Lydia found herself smiling back with a flutter in her chest. "I know just the place. And I'm buying. It's my turn to thank you."

Alec raised his hands in a show of defeat.

— 

Alec frowned at the frothy glass he retrieved from the counter as he handed it to Lydia.

"Hey, don't judge!" she said in a faux-defensive voice as she took the drink from him. "I deserve the sugar after all that."

"You were really good today," Alec nodded giving her an appraising look, "I don't think I've seen many people take out a Raum demon in two strokes."

Lydia beamed at him. "What can I say?" she pointed at herself with her thumbs, "this gal learned a few tricks in her time defending the Lisbon Institute from the marine terrors."

"You were on that mission?" Alec's asked, impressed.

"Yeah, as a subordinate. But, yes..." Lydia said, then her voice grew small, "with John."

There was a long, somewhat uneasy pause. She heard Alec clear his throat awkwardly, catching her attention.

"Listen," he said, "I don't know if this will make things between us uncomfortable, but I just, I—I've been thinking about it and...I want to throw it out there."

"Okay?" she said, already feeling her guard rise. "What's on your mind, Alec?"

He stiffened and said, "And it's completely okay if you want to say no. It won't—I wouldn't be offended. I just think we—it would make a solid partnership."

Lydia's mind slowed to a complete stop and she stared at him. Immediately, Alec stopped talking. His coffee sat steaming between them from the mug in front of him, untouched.

"You...want to marry me?" she squeaked when she had collected herself, heart in her throat.

Alec nodded stiffly, face completely unreadable.

"Alec, if this is you feeling sorry for me—" 

"Lydia, I like you," he interrupted. "I think you're smart and you have a good work ethic. I think we work well together." She slowed her pace, her breath becoming more shallow as she listened. "We could be great co-heads of an Institute. If you wanted to marry me, I think we could have a good shot at doing that. Will you—just consider it?"

Lydia swallowed thickly. She had known since before she had even met him that he'd been looking for a wife and they did make for a great team. She hadn't really let herself consider the possibility that he would look at her as a prospect though. She knew she was still young and she did have some pride in her looks, but a widow wasn't usually considered a good match, let alone one from a much less well-off and less well-to-do family like the Branwells.

She nodded slowly, "Yes."

"Yes?"

"I think you're right," she said. "I think a marriage between us would be...very sensible."

He gave her a small smile and said, "Good. That's—I'm glad you agree." 

"And," Lydia smiled, scooting near him in the booth. "I like you too."

Alec winced suddenly, looking around awkwardly, "Sorry. I don't have an engagement ring or anything. I didn't—I knew I wanted to ask, but it just didn't—I didn't want to assume." He rambled, "But, now seemed like the right time."

"That's fine," Lydia said quickly. "I'd really rather not—I don't want a ring."

"Not a fan of jewelry?" Alec asked.

"I like it just fine," she said and took a deep breath in. "It's just—I can't—John was...he was identified by his wedding ring. So I'd rather not—I don't want a ring. If that's okay?"

Alec nodded. "I understand."

A silence settled over them again, but Lydia gave him a small smile to try to ease the tension. While John’s specter wasn’t the looming figure in her life that he used to be, she knew that Alec must feel at least a little uncomfortable mentioning her dead husband just moments after he proposed to her. He shifted in his seat and held out his hand.

"Do you—should we shake on it?" Alec asked in a jovial, albeit nervous tone.

"We could," she said and leaned forward suggestively. "Or…"

"I—uh," a wild sort of look passed over his eyes and he looked around frantically. _Oh, he's the shy type_ . _Cute_. Lydia drew back chuckling softly and extended her hand. 

“Thank you,” he said stiffly as they shook hands.

* * *

"Hey," Jace said as he sauntered into Alec's room and leaned over Alec's desk, looking over the various papers he had splayed out there. "Whatcha working on?"

Alec looked up at him from where he was hunched over his work, narrowing his eyes at him. "Do you actually want to know?"

Jace smirked, sitting on the edge of the desk and saying, "You caught me. Came to talk to you."

"I imagine you didn't come here all the way to Idris to pretend to care about reports," Alec said, his defenses already rising, as he pushed away from the desk and faced Jace more fully. "So what does the great Jace Herondale want to talk about?"

"I got a call from Izzy," he explained. "She told me the big news."

"I was planning on telling you myself," he said, feeling a twinge of guilt. "It only just happened, but I guess word travels fast."

"Yeah," Jace said as he crossed his arms, "what's that about anyway? She told me you basically pulled this girl out of thin air and suddenly you're marrying her?"

Alec rolled his eyes and said, "You wouldn't know, you haven't lived in Idris for months. I didn't 'pull her out of thin air'. You've met her before."

Jace scrunched up his face in confusion. "I have?"

Alec stared at him for a moment. "You were literally the one who introduced me to her."

"Oh. I did?" Jace said with a cringe. "Well, anyway, Izzy didn't just tell me you were getting married. She also said you just about bit her head off about it."

"She started it," he said curtly. "And if she asked you here to change my mind—or whatever it is you both think you're doing—you won't. It won't work."

Jace held up his hands and said, "Not the enemy, remember? Just wanted to talk."

"If it's 'don't marry her', then save it. I already heard it ad nauseum from Izzy."

"It's just a big commitment," Jace sighed. "And look, I'm not saying 'don't'. I'm just trying to say that you have options and that you don't have to. I just want to know you've really _thought_ about it. There are other ways to get a promotion."

"Not if I want one before I turn thirty," Alec rebutted. "Same goes for Lydia. Neither of us wants to be stuck in Idris in the same positions for years waiting till we have 'enough experience' for the Clave to finally let us move up."

"I told you before, I can talk to my grandmother, it doesn't—"

"Jace," Alec interrupted. "I don't want to get anywhere by asking you or anybody else for favors. That's not me, that's not how I want to live my life. I need to get there on my own. And if proving to the Clave that I'm willing to do whatever it takes means settling down and getting married, then I'm going to do it."

Jace huffed out a laugh and said, "You always were the one to do things the hard way." Alec rolled his eyes at that, but Jace continued. "Look, Alec, at the end of the day, what we think doesn't matter. We're in your corner, no matter what. We might kick and scream about it, but it's only because we care."

"Good," Alec said, feeling the hint of a smile come across his face. "That's...thank you. Then there's something I should ask you."

"Anything."

"Will you be my suggenes?"

It was Jace's turn to smile, "I'd be honored."

* * *

Lydia pulled out the sandwich she had packed out of her bag, ready to eat her lunch at her desk as usual, when Elizabeth Ashdown walked up and stood next to her and put her hand on her shoulder.

"Hey there," she said. "You're Lydia Branwell, right?"

"Yes?" she answered. "Can I help you with something?"

She gave her a small smile and asked, "Are you sure you want to eat alone? I was just about to go out for lunch if you wanted to join me."

Lydia blinked and said, "Uh, sure. I'd like that. Let me get my things."

She did her best to hide her excitement at the prospect of going out to lunch. As small of a gesture as it was, the only person who had shown her any interest or kindness was Alec. She hadn't had any sort of close female friends since her days at the Academy. They made polite small talk along the short walk down to the cafe Elizabeth swore was the best spot near the Alicante Institute. Sitting down at the small table in the cafe with Elizabeth with their meals, Lydia took in the cozy environment, surprisingly quiet for the time of day.

"This place is really nice," Lydia told her.

"Best kept secret in Idris," Elizabeth said. 

"Glad to know someone in the know then," she said, taking a sip of her coffee.

"Yeah, it kinda seemed like not a lot of people were showing you the ropes around here," she said. She bit her lip and leaned forward, lowering her voice as she said, "Except one. You think he's cute, right?" 

"You mean Alec?" she asked stiffly, the reason for the lunch invitation suddenly becoming apparent to her. "Yeah, he is, isn't he?"

"Of course, I mean that completely innocently," she said. "You know, the Lightwoods and the Ashdowns are actually distant cousins."

"Oh?" Lydia said. "I didn't know that."

"It seems like you two are getting pretty close," she pressed.

"We're engaged," Lydia said briskly, deciding to rip off the bandaid and give her the information she clearly wanted up front. "So yes, we're close."

"Wow," Elizabeth said. "That was fast."

"He's an honorable man. Very dutiful, very principled. A good man. And he asked me," she tried to justify.

"I'm sure. Hard to turn down such a prize," Elizabeth grinned at her, playfully shaking her head. "You're lucky."

Lydia stared at her a moment. "You think so?"

"Well," she said with a shrug, "I think we'd be kidding ourselves if we didn't admit that his name is a huge plus. Being Mrs. Lightwood would take any woman a long way. And I don't think anyone could deny that he's quite a treat to look at. He definitely seems like an angry kind of guy but..." she gave Lydia a wink. "I've heard that only makes them that much more fun in bed."

Lydia felt a blush come over her cheeks. She felt like half a girl again, gossiping with her girlfriends back in school about boys. 

"Is he?" Elizabeth asked.

"Is he what?"

"Don't play coy! You know what I mean," she said suggestively. "How is he?"

She shook her head. "We haven't—you know how the Lightwoods are. They're big traditionalists."

"Oh boy," she said, raising her brow. "I can only imagine what that'll be like on the wedding night then."

"Yeah," Lydia said, biting her lip as she recalled the times she had seen him working up a sweat in the training rooms. _He really is something to look at. Maybe second time's the charm._

* * *

Alec didn't bother to knock on his mother's office door before walking in. He could hear how tense his mother's voice was with whoever she was on the phone with.

"No, you listen—. This isn't about—I honestly don't care. You made your bed and you can—hang on, Alec just walked in. We'll finish this later," she cleared her throat and placed her phone facedown on the desk, hanging up.

"Who was that?" Alec pulled a chair and sat down unceremoniously.

"No one," she said in an abrupt tone, forcing a smile. "How can I help you, Alec?"

"So you weren't talking to Dad just now?"

She dropped the smile and let out a sigh.

"Izzy said that you and Dad were fighting. I guess this is confirmation," he said. "What's going on?"

She suddenly looked very small in her seat. "I don't know what Isabelle knows. If Robert told her or…"

"Told her what?"

He could hear her swallow thickly. "Your father found someone else."

"Dad's cheating on you?"

"I don't know if he's—We were going to tell you after we planned the wedding." 

"Why?" Alec pressed. "So you could be miserable even longer?"

"No, it's...we didn't want to make any decisions on this until after everything was said and done. We didn't want to sabotage you finding a good match, though, it looks like you managed to find a wife all on your own without us." She reached over to him and took his hand in hers and said, "Maybe all this can wait. Then we'll have time and we can find you a more suitable bride."

He snatched his hand away. "You don't even know her, how can you judge a bride I chose when the husband chosen for you is cheating on you?"

Her posture stiffened and she said, "If you insist on going through and marrying her then we'll do what we have to do to maintain the Lightwood name. We'll do what we always do. Keep up appearances. At least until after the wedding is over."

"And after that?"

"After that, we'll see."

* * *

It was purely by chance that Lydia found Alec later that night. She had heard that the Lightwood siblings often preferred to stay back at their Institute quarters, she'd surmised as much since Alec and Isabelle always seemed to be the first people around to start the day, but she’d never seen either Alec or Isabelle around this late. No one but the night patrol was ever bound to be around after work hours, which was why she had come in tonight. She enjoyed the quiet as opposed to the hustle and bustle during the day. It helped her work more efficiently, something she wanted to do, especially if she wanted to get a head start on her and Alec’s casefile first thing the next morning.

Lydia glimpsed at her watch, it was forty-five minutes until midnight. _What's he doing here this late?_ She thought as she passed by his office. Alec almost never worked late hours and yet seemed to finish everything he was assigned and more. She peeked into the office he shared with his sister. His desk lamp was left on but Alec wasn't in there. Lydia shrugged mentally and gathered the heavy load of files closer to herself as she made her way to her office.

In the distance, she heard muffled grunting. She furrowed her brow, following the noise to see what was going on. Peering around the corner into the training room, she could see Alec. She held her breath as she watched him, droplets of sweat streaming down his shirtless torso as he pounded into the punching bag. His toned muscles seemed to glisten in the dim lighting of the training room, flexing and straining underneath his taut skin as he worked the bag. She could see his hands were well-bound in tape, hardening the sound of each hit against it. Her mind went blank as she took in the scene before suddenly feeling embarrassed by her voyeurism. 

"Late night training?" she asked, trying her best to keep her voice even and casual.

He stopped, holding the bag to still it, and looked at her. "Yeah. Just...wanted to work on some jabs. Couldn’t really sleep."

"What's keeping you up?" Lydia asked. Alec looked at her with guarded eyes and immediately, she began rambling, "I—I'm sorry, I don't mean to intrude. But, I've never seen you around this late. And I just—It's none of my business, but if you wanted someone to talk to," she paused to inhale, "I'm here."

Alec's expression softened, and he exhaled a long, loud breath. He strode over to one of the large, stained glass windows from where the moonlight filtered through, in soft, colorful hues, and sat down heavily on the ledge. Lydia took his silent invitation and took a careful seat beside him.

Lydia stared at the dark, elongated shadows their bodies made against the floor, framed by the muted spectacle of light.

"I hate this. I hate all of this," Alec murmured defeatedly into the cool night air, musty from the smell of sweat and old hardwood. She looked at him while he sat with his head leaning against the glass. In the dim light, she could barely make out the lines of agitation that appeared across his usually stoic face. She held her breath and waited.

"It's my father," Alec finally said, cradling his head in his palms. "He's cheating on my mom."

Overused lines and scripted responses came at once to Lydia's mind but she rejected them all. Instead, she took a long moment before finally answering. "Family…" she sighed, suddenly overwhelmed. "It's complicated, Alec."

"Screw it," he said after a beat. And Lydia saw that his guard was back up. "You, uh, need help with those?" Alec asked, pointing at the files she was holding onto.

"Sure," Lydia smiled.

* * *

Alec turned on his desk lamp and squinted at the text in low light, making a mental note to remind the Head librarian to change the lamps. He'd already asked them thrice and submitted at least two proposals. _Really, how many times did someone need reminding?_

"Hey," he heard his sister call from behind. Alec didn't bother to turn, already feeling his irritation surge. Isabelle reached his desk shortly. "You talk to Mom and Dad?" she asked.

"Yeah," Alec said stiffly. "When did you find out?"

"When I was talking to Dad a few weeks ago. He let it slip," she explained, breathing out in a long sigh. "I thought you already knew when I mentioned it."

"Nope," he said, already turning to examine the book he had picked out. "Did you need something else?" he asked her when Isabelle did not leave. Isabelle didn't respond immediately, instead, gave Alec a long look. "Alec, you know I love you."

"Iz, I don't have time for another lecture," Alec cut in.

"Just listen to me!" she said in an exasperated tone. Alec shrugged without making eye-contact. "I care about you and I just want to know you have _your_ best interests at heart, in deciding this. After seeing one fall apart, are you completely sure you want to get married?" she exhaled frustratedly. "You don't have to do this. Just say the word and I'll take care of it. I'll handle Mom and Dad—whatever, we'll figure something out. Like we always do. Together!"

"Yeah," Alec laughed fondly, feeling warmth curl around his heart. Izzy was his best friend and he'd been missing her too much. "Lydia is a good friend to me, Iz, I promise. And we both want this," he assured her. "It's for the best," he murmured, more to himself than her.

"Oh, well," Isabelle sighed after a beat. "If you're sure."

"Did Dad say if they were going to get a divorce?" Alec asked, relieved to change the subject.

"He said he hadn't decided," she said, her face scrunched up with deep annoyance. 

"Wouldn't want to sully the Lightwood family name?" Alec remarked in a mocking tone.

"And lose face?" Izzy scoffed dramatically. "After all, what could be more important than their status when making each other miserable is such a small trade-off?" she seethed, letting out a bitter bark of laughter.

Alec joined in on her cheerless laughter. 

"Okay," she nodded when she had recovered from it. "Have you asked our _dear_ parents for the family ring yet?"

A dark look passed over Alec's face. He furrowed his brow and stared at her for a moment before speaking again, "Uh, no. Also, Lydia said she'd prefer something else."

"Keeping at arm's length from the Lightwood family name from the get-go? Smart." Izzy smiled. Alec decided to keep the exact reason for Lydia's request to himself. "I could help you pick something out?" Izzy offered. It was an olive branch that Alec gratefully accepted.

"Don't trust me to do the picking?" 

She shrugged, her smile widening. "I figure you're probably going to be clueless at this kind of thing." Alec raised his eyebrows at her. Izzy ignored his expression and continued. "And you'll need the expert advice of your amazing baby sister."

"Amazing," Alec snorted.

"Don't you dare doubt that." Isabelle's voice floated back to him as she walked out of the library, leaving Alec chuckling to himself.

* * *

The dinner service was already in full swing when Alec and Lydia took their seats again after the speeches. Alec felt someone lightly touch his shoulder and saw one of the servers lean over and place his own dinner in front of him. He muttered a small thanks to her as his mother settled into her seat next to him.

"We're all very proud of you, sweetheart," Maryse said as she rested her hand on Alec's arm. "You did amazingly today."

"Thanks, Mom," he said.

Alec looked at his father expectantly, Robert grumbled something under his breath while nodding, still not looking Alec in the eye. "Jace," he heard his father say, turning and smiling openly at Alec's parabatai. _Happier than he's looked all day_ , Alec thought, trying not to feel bitter. "How's New York treating you? I hear you've been doing extremely well out there."

"It's nothing, really," he heard Jace trying to downplay it. Alec would've been more inclined to send him a grateful look any other day. Tonight, he kept his eyes fixed onto the plate in front of him and skewered a piece of pasta with more force than necessary.

"Don't be modest," Robert said. "You're the best soldier we've got. You should take pride in that."

"Thank you, Robert," Jace said automatically and Alec could sense his conflict. "It was a great ceremony today, right?"

"Yeah, yeah," his father said in a dismissive tone. "Anyway, I heard you took out half a dozen Shax demons in a single blow on your first mission in New York. That true?"

"It was actually two hits."

Alec gritted his teeth, taking in a deep breath through his nose to calm himself as his father continued his one-sided conversation with Jace where they sat together at the end of the table. He chose to ignore them and looked over to Lydia as she moved around various bits of food around her place.

"Is something wrong?" he asked her.

"Oh, uh, it's just," she said, "do you like mushrooms?"

"They're okay, I guess. Why?"

"Do you want mine?"

He grimaced as he looked over to the small pile she had made at the edge of her plate. "Not really. Just leave them if you don't want them."

She nodded and picked at her dinner, taking a small bite, a look of displeasure taking over her face. He pushed around the food on his own plate. Mushroom risotto had always been his mother's favorite. He should've known that leaving all the planning up to his parents was a mistake.

"What do you think of the decor?" his mother asked abruptly, interrupting his train of thought.

Alec looked around at the floral centerpieces and the ribbons hanging from the ceiling. They matched the suit jacket she had picked out for him and the dress she helped Lydia get fitted into. They were all white.

"Kinda grim, don't you think?" he asked.

"It's not traditional for a wedding, but it's all they had on such short notice," Maryse said quickly as she took a sip from her cup.

" _Right_ ," he said, making it clear that he didn't believe her and refreshing his own glass with a healthy amount of wine.

"You know," his mother began, "Lydia isn't who _we_ would have chosen. But I'm glad you found someone you like."

"He probably made the right choice," Robert chimed in. 

Alec felt a twinge of happiness at that. Which was quickly dashed as soon as his father finished his thought.

"Alec's always been so dedicated to his work," he said. "He barely ever spends any time with anyone outside the family, let alone going on any dates. Maybe it's a good thing he found an _experienced_ woman."

"You would know all about wanting _experiences_ , wouldn't you, Dad?" Alec spat out.

His mother shot him a glare and his father looked down in embarrassment at his plate.

"We agreed, Alec," Maryse whispered to him.

"Right," Alec said, voice still full of venom, "keeping up appearances. That's what you two are doing, right? Except for, y'know, the part where you two look like you can barely stand each other."

His mother shifted uncomfortably in her seat, staring down at her plate. He heard his father clear his throat before he set down his silverware and stood up from his seat. He avoided looking at anyone in particular as he spoke.

"Maryse," Robert said as he held out his hand stiffly to her. "May I have this dance?"

An ill-concealed look of contempt flashed over her face before her features softened again and she gave him a smile. "It would be my pleasure, Robert."

Alec felt his jaw clench, suddenly overcome by the _lie_ of it all. The facade that his parents were putting up for these people who couldn't care less if their marriage was failing, this sham of a wedding they were putting up with to convince the Clave. These big, unwieldy secrets that sat with them like unwanted guests, eating into their bread rolls, and drinking at their table. Growing fatter until there was no space left in the room. Until Alec couldn't breathe.

"Do you want to dance?" Lydia asked Alec, interrupting his moment of panic.

"Probably better if we don't," he told her, his voice soft as he tried to regain his composure. "I've got two left feet."

"Oh," she said, shifting in her seat and taking a drink from her glass. "Okay."

They watched as his parents made their way out onto the dance floor, joining the few couples who had already made their way there. He shook his head, quickly downing the rest of his wine glass.

Lydia leaned over and whispered into Alec's ear, "At least your parents gave some nice speeches."

"All my father did was pat himself and the Clave on the back," he whispered back. "And my mom's was just a sales pitch."

"She did hit all the keywords," she said, holding back a laugh. "I wonder if she'd be willing to look over my resume too."

"I'm sure she would love that," he whispered. "She does love taking control of everything."

"Your Dad did call me beautiful though," she said. "In between the 'it's such an honor to see so many esteemed members of the Clave' and the 'I'd especially like to thank the High Inquisitor for taking time out of her schedule'. I think that's the first nice thing he's ever said about me."

"It's probably the only thing he actually noticed about you," Alec grumbled.

She gave a small shrug and muttered, "Better than being called your 'jumped-up bride'."

He let out a sigh, "I'm sorry."

"It's alright. People say what they want to say," she said. "You get used to it."

They didn't say anything for the rest of the song, just watching the pairs move and sway across the dance floor.

"Are you sure you don't want to dance?" she asked as she gently caressed his arm. "I'm sure you're a lot more graceful than you think, Alec."

"We're out of wine," he told her, pulling away. "I'm going to get us another bottle." 

He didn't wait for a response, scurrying along to the catering table and wishing he could just get the night over with.

* * *

Settling into Alec's rooms, or rather Alec _and_ Lydia's rooms now, he stared down at the newly etched wedded rune on his wrist. He ran his thumb over the skin there, feeling the slight raise in his flesh from how fresh it was. It barely distracted him from the gaping pit in his stomach over what he knew was going to happen next.

"Can you help unlace me?" she asked.

He glanced up to where Lydia was standing with her back to him, her head craned back and looking at him expectantly. He dropped his hands to his sides, his shoulders tense as he took a step toward her. He went to work on the small knot keeping her gown laced up, fingers fumbling as he did his best to undo it. He eventually managed to get it undone and went to work loosening the gown.

"I think it's good now," she said before she began wriggling it upwards. 

"Here, let me," Alec said, and Lydia held her arms up straight as he pulled it up over her head.

——————

He watched as Jace twirled his sparring stick in front of him in a taunt. Jace raised a brow at him and gave him a smirk. "You sure you're ready to take me on? I bet you and Lydia had a _long_ and _hard_ night."

"I'm always ready to kick your ass, Herondale," Alec said as he widened his stance to prepare for the match.

"Such a shame you never do!" Jace exclaimed as he went in to make the first blow. 

Alec easily blocked it, taking a defensive stance as Jace went to make another offensive move. For a time, the only sounds in the training room were the loud clacking of their sparring sticks hitting against each other and their increasingly panting breaths as they exchanged blows. 

"So, first night as a married man!" Jace said as he jumped back from Alec's range for a moment, eyes locked with his. "How'd it go?"

His face seemed skeptical as he walked around Alec. Alec felt an angry flush come to his cheeks at the question. "We are _so_ not talking about this," Alec growled.

"What?" he asked, raising up his hands and giving his stick another twirl. "Why not?"

"She's my wife," Alec stated gruffly as he moved in again, his swing missing Jace by a mile.

"I'm not asking for the details," he said defensively as he dodged. "I just want to know how it went. I'm sure the missus wouldn't mind."

"I mind," Alec said as he took a jab and nearly got Jace straight in the chest. "C'mon. Let's go."

——————

He heard her let out a nervous laugh before she finally emerged out from the silk and tulle bottom of her dress, exposed except for her strapless ivory bra and matching underwear. She crossed her arms uncomfortably over her stomach as Alec averted his eyes and gingerly laid out the dress on top of his already-discarded suit jacket on the lounging chair in the corner. He cleared his throat as he undid his own tie and began unbuttoning his shirt.

"Oh, um," Lydia murmured out as she took a step toward him and began untucking his shirt from his pants, working on the bottom buttons before meeting him in the middle. As their fingers brushed together, Alec let out the breath he didn't realize he was holding in a short puff. Lydia gave him a small smile as she pulled his collar to get the shirt off of him and threw it on the chair before going down to his fly.

"I've got it," he told her as he began yanking down his pants, getting them down to his shoes before stumbling to pull those off too.

The two stood there in front of each other for a moment, both in their underwear and both unsure of where to look. She made the first move, making a breathy humming sound as she reached her arms behind her and unhooked her bra, holding it out awkwardly in her hand for a moment before bending down to pull off her panties and letting both drop to the floor. Alec swallowed thickly before following her lead and pulling off his own briefs. Alec bit the inside of his cheek, his eyes locked with hers as he desperately tried to push down his feelings of embarrassment over their respective nudity.

——————

Jace managed to swing his stick around and catch Alec behind one of his ankles, sending Alec careening and falling flat on his back. It took him a second to catch his breath again after having the wind knocked out of him. Jace held out his hand to help him back up onto his feet and Alec readily took it. Alec fell back into his defensive stance, but Jace just stood there catching his breath with a smirk on his face.

"Sure you're ready to go again?" he asked.

"I'm fine," Alec told him tersely. 

Jace gave him a smug, pointed look. "C'mon, man. Be real. How was it?"

Alec shifted his feet, taking on an offensive stance and swinging at Jace. He jumped back, holding up his stick to defend himself against Alec's blows.

"I told you. I don't wanna talk about it."

"Why not? Worried about your _performance_?" Jace joked as he parried one of Alec's jabs and swung back at him. 

"It was fine," he said forcefully as he slammed his stick against Jace's.

"'Fine'?" Jace parrotted incredulously. "If you're describing your first time as 'fine', then you're not doing it right." He adjusted his positioning and began getting in more and more blows at Alec. "It was though, wasn't it? Your first time?"

——————

She indicated to the bed and said, "We should—"

"Yeah," Alec interrupted with a curt nod, and they each made their way to opposite sides of the bed and slipped under the covers.

"You looked very handsome at the ceremony," she said quietly.

"Yeah," Alec said in a matching hushed tone. "You did too. Or—I mean—beautiful. Not handsome."

She gave him a reassuring smile and asked, "So...maybe, we should start with kissing?"

He didn't say anything, nodding in agreement and scooting in closer to her instead. They lay together on their sides, bodies not touching except for the dry press of their lips together. 

——————

"Would you stop this!" Alec exclaimed as he landed a blow to Jace's side, making him wince. "You keep bringing your left elbow up too high and leaving yourself wide open."

"Note taken," Jace spat out, going for Alec's knee and bringing him down again. "That height of yours can be a real disadvantage, can't it?"

Alec threw his stick beside him and used his position to grab Jace's ankles to bring him down too. He clambered over him and pinned him down.

"It has its pros and cons."

"That's playing dirty, Alec," Jace chastised before twisting his wrists out of Alec's grasp and rolling them to gain leverage over Alec again. "If you're playing dirty then so am I." He winked as he pushed Alec's shoulders down to the floor. "Is this how you had her?"

"Fuck off," he snapped, shoving Jace at full force off of him and getting back into a standing position with his fists raised.

Jace pushed himself up and said, "Listen, we're parabatai. I know when something's up."

"Nothing's wrong," Alec said as he swung a fist, which Jace dodged. "Could we focus, please?"

——————

He felt her mouth open up against his and her move in closer to press her chest against his. He gingerly pulled her into his arms, doing his best to acquiesce to her. His mouth was dry, and he felt stiff and awkward, but he soon got into the rhythm of kissing her. She moved against him, pressing herself in flush against him, and he felt her legs moving up to entangle with his. He felt her rubbing her calves against his and her hips making small motions up against him as she began making barely audible hums into their kiss.

She pulled out of the kiss and whispered against his lips, "I think I'm ready."

"Uh, right," Alec said, licking his lips. 

He repositioned them to get on top of her, using the moments she was away from him to close his eyes and give himself a few strokes in order to get ready. He looked down for a moment into the covers' darkness to see where he was supposed to go, propping himself on one elbow with this other hand trying desperately to get himself hard. Once he felt himself just barely stir in his hand, he took in a deep breath positioned himself up to her.

"Ready?" he asked, his voice tight.

"Yeah," she answered in a whisper.

——————

"Alec, you don't have to be embarrassed," he said as he landed a blow to Alec's stomach. "I could tell what you were feeling through the bond. It wasn't exactly, y'know, _euphoric_. We can talk about it."

Alec grabbed Jace's wrists and brought his knee up to jam it into his thigh, making him groan in pain. He took a step back away from him and grabbed a towel to wipe himself down.

"I don't want to talk," he said as he took the time to catch his breath. "If you're so desperate to gossip about my sex life, you can do it over the phone with Izzy tomorrow when you're back in New York. Right now, I just want to train."

Jace grit his teeth as he straightened his leg back out and said, "Whatever you say, buddy. It's just that I know you're not—that you don't—y'know? There are things you could do to make it easier. Maybe you could try flipping her over? Or turning the lights off?"

He swallowed down the awful feeling he felt rising in his chest and said, "Whatever. Let's go again."

——————

He held himself in his hand as he tried to press in. He felt it bend against her, clearly not hard enough.

"I—uh—hang on," he said in a whisper, pressing his face into the pillow next to her head, working himself in his hand before trying to make another attempt. He tried to guide himself in again and felt more give from her this time. 

"Is it in?" he asked her.

"Kind of," she said.

He nodded, making a tentative thrust before completely slipping back out. He grit his teeth and cursed, using his hand to try to push it back in, but struggling as he softened again. He began stroking himself again when he felt her hand on his shoulder.

"Alec," she said softly. "It's fine. I get it. It's been a long day. It—it happens. We don't have to—I think—I mean, it should count enough, right?"

He let out a frustrated sigh and pushed off of her to lay beside her.

"Yeah. I guess," he said, guilt and shame gripping his chest.

She leaned over and kissed his cheek, "Let's get some rest. We can always try again later. Maybe—would it be easier if the lights were already off?"

He said nothing as he rolled toward his end of the bed and turned the light off. He faced away from her, practically clinging onto the edge of the bed, and tried to tamp down the creeping dread in his stomach at the thought of trying again. 

After all, he only had the rest of his life to get it right.

**Author's Note:**

>  _find us on Tumblr:_  
>  **headasexual.tumblr.com** and **incorrect-malec.tumblr.com/**


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